Thoughts of a Guilty Man
by dustykingdom
Summary: At night, Clark thinks he only has himself to blame.


**This story came about as I was re-watching some old episodes. I wanted to read a fic that explored how Clark felt after all the many things that had happened in his life that he thought were his fault: His father's death, the guilt he feels at how his friends are always being hurt, how he's not able to tell anyone his secret, that kind of stuff. After a while, I decided maybe I could do it myself. I realize it doesn't really go into depth on certain topics and is slightly vague, but I hope you like it nonetheless This story isn't any particular season, but probably somewhere between seasons 3 - 6. I know this is obviously a very overdone topic, but I hope I'm able to bring something a little bit new to the table at least. Also, I know that many of the things Clark's feeling and thinking are just completely ridiculous, but remember that he believes they're his fault, and so his ideas of them are a little skewed. Anyways, enjoy and leave your reviews if you think the story is worthy:)**

**I do not own Smallville or any of it's characters.  
**

Sometimes when he's in bed at night and he's just saved the day again, he thinks of what life would be like had he never come to earth with the meteor shower. He knows it's not his fault that he was sent here or that his planet died so that his father thought he needed to be saved, but he's the only one left, so who else is there to blame?

He knows that his parents would never have had the child they so badly wished for, but he thinks they would have eventually adopted a normal child and they would have had a normal family just like everyone else, and wouldn't that be so much easier?

He thinks of all the times his parents have lied, covered, worried, and stressed over him, and how everything bad he's ever brought about is so much more devastating than everything good and joyful he's done. He thinks of them with such an aching pain in his heart that he wishes with his whole being he could disappear and take all of the memories of him with him, but pushes it aside when he's racing against the clock to save them and get them back home. He loves them so much and they're his saviours and all he wants is to one day see them happy and whole and never worrying for him again.

Then he thinks of all his friends and his heart tightens more, because the number of times they've been in danger because of him is so heartbreaking that he wants to cry the rest of the night away.

He wants to be left alone, to live a life where no one around him knows enough about him to care for him, but every time he pushes them away they come back to him and tell him how important he is. He wants to believe them, but he knows the consequences can mean their lives, so he pretends to go along with them but never lets them in more. When they're inevitably hurt again, he wonders why they even bother with a friend that only brings trouble, and tries to shut himself away more. But they don't go away and he hates himself so much more for not being able to cut himself off completely. He hates that he needs friends that care for him so deeply and so endlessly that they'll follow him as he tries to solve another problem he's created. He hates himself even more when he realizes he doesn't care enough for them in return so as to protect them the only way he truly can: by actually leaving.

He wants to tell his friends his secret but stops himself when he remembers that Pete left when he'd told him, and look at his parents and look at Chloe and see him many scars they have because of him?

And when his father dies, the only thing he thinks of at night for many months is that it was all his fault, and _why _was he so selfish? Why did he run away and seek oblivion in the only cowardly way he knew how? Why did he run away from responsibility when taking care of his own mess was one of the things his parents had so strongly taught him? When him staying and comforting his mom after she lost the baby _because of him_, was the one thing they wanted of him?

He thinks of his mom alone at night, without her companion with whom she's spent so many years working along side, and how when she wakes up in the morning she won't be able to make him breakfast, but will do so out of habit before realizing he's not their anymore and he's never coming back.

He thinks of all the people that were affected by the meteor shower, kids labeled as freaks by their parents and peers, and how eventually so many of them lash out in bitterness at how they've been treated. And then somehow, Lana or Chloe or Lex and eventually Lois are caught in the cross hairs because he got in the way trying to be hero, and then they're in the hospital and along with the wounds they've received they also have hospital bills to pay.

He wonders how anyone can look at him and not be disgusted at the site of him. How can they see his face and not see the face of their dead parent or sibling or friend? Even after they finally find out his secret after he makes a mistake, he thinks that they're crazy not to shut the door on him for good. The fear of rejection is so frightening and so fierce that he vows countless times throughout the day to never tell anyone if he can help it, even if it makes them angry and frustrated at him.

And when he finally falls asleep, his dreams run along the same lines as his thoughts. Finally they realize he's not worth their time. They leave him and he's alone but it's the price to pay if he really loves them. He wakes up in the night knowing he should leave them the way they do in his dreams, but can't bring himself to do it because the thought of being completely alone and without friends and family is something he thinks he can't possibly bare.

And so when he awakens in the morning, he's mad at himself for not being able to heed the advice of his dreams and leave them alone_,_ but he promises to himself that he'll do better, run faster, and think harder, even if it hurts him and leaves him sick with guilt and pain.

And if he can't leave them like he knows he should, then he'll try his hardest to save them _every_ time they're in trouble, every time they're hurt. Because it's his fault, and he's finally learnt to take responsibility.


End file.
